Gabe

I’m always looking for signs. The first time I got into Gabe’s car “I Carry Your Heart” by the Blue Dogs was playing. THIS MEANS SOMETHING, I thought. This is HUGE.

“You’re listening to my favorite song!” I exclaimed.

“You smell nice,” Gabe said, and lit a cigarette. “Mind if I smoke?”

Then he changed the station.

Everything about Gabe thrilled me. He was cardiology resident. He was older and had a grownup apartment filled with grownup things. He said his tropical fish liked me. How could he tell? Because they were just chilling out. He came up from behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

I spent the night.

And It was fine I reasoned- because I was a New York City girl now, and this is what New York City girls did. It was fine because he was a doctor and doctors were good people. They didn’t invite you to sleep over unless they meant it. Stockbrokers might. But not someone whose job was to heal people. I factored in the Blue Dogs song.

The next morning we cuddled. But no kissing. “I’m not a morning kisser,” he said. It didn’t matter, just moments earlier, he’d told me all about his parents house in Boca and how we’d have to go there in the winter. At 10am, he dropped me off about my apartment.

Even though Gabe didn’t call, I greeted him every time he signed onto instant messenger.

“Gabe! Do the fish miss me?”

“Remember that story you told me about the pizza you left in the microwave and found months later!? That was so funny!”

“Wanna come over and watch a movie or something?”

When I showed up at his door unannounced on a Saturday night, Gabe was cleaning out the fish tank. The 23-year-old me was in the tears and wearing good underwear just in case it turned out he had a really good excuse.

“Jesus,” he sighed, “What are you doing here?”

Gabe stood there in the doorway, his arms folded. This was not the reaction I was hoping for. I pushed my way in.

“What happened to the fish?”

“I gave them back to the store. They were too much work.”

He went back to the sink and resumed scrubbing. His back facing me.

“Who gives fish back!?” I sniffed. “Do you just throw everyone away?”

“I’m growing very angry,” he said. “I want you to leave right now.”

I wouldn’t budge. “Let’s just talk this through!” I begged.

It ended with him storming out of his own apartment.

For six years he would be that bad guy I couldn’t quit. There were weekend trips to casinos where he would play with the high rollers and I would wander around by myself and find things to eat and feel lonely. Each time I always hoped things would be different, that I would have the power to make him fall in love with me, but every time, it was exactly the same. I’d get out of the car & he’d disappear.

The last time we saw each other was at Gabe’s new house, where he lives with a dog roughly the size of a deer.

It was late morning and the sun was shining. I couldn’t sleep any longer.  I sidled up for a snuggle.

“Sleeping,” Gabe muttered. “Shhhh.”

My eyes hurt from the cigarette smoke. The Gabe mystique was wearing off.  I got out of bed to get a drink of water.

When I walked back into the bedroom there he was: spooning the dog.

“Oh,” I said.

“Jealous?” he replied.

“Why wouldn’t you cuddle with me?” I asked.

“Cause Cody is just so cute!” he murmured, burying his face in the dog’s neck.

The story should end right there.  It doesn’t.

We were supposed to meet up last weekend, but I canceled. I look at my best friend Bienstock who met the greatest guy when she stopped going back to the same  yoohoos and my Jackie who just moved to Boston to live with a boy who writes love letters that would make you cry. Or throw up.

That is what I want too

And tonight I leave you with that

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