Stuff that gives me anxiety

The milk and sugar station at Starbucks. Too much pressure to move quickly

Smalltalk in the laundry room of my building

Elevator chitchat

Bed & Breakfasts. Would rather sleep on a tree branch

Halloween

French people

Standing ovations

Watching television when a new friend comes over. I get nervous and talk through the whole show.

Choosing a color at nail salon / climbing out of the pedicure chair

Portable toilets

Pushing through a busy restaurant to get to the hostess stand

Middle-aged men in distressed denim

The last piece of spicy tuna roll when I’m out with someone I don’t know that well

People on crutches

Being the only customer in a small store

Not having any chocolate in my apartment

Attractive guys in Nantucket reds

When it’s just me and the bathroom attendant

Middle school kids on field trips (gives me flashbacks)

Aisle seats on airplanes. Spend the entire flight anticipating when middle and window will need to get up to pee

Exiting a cab when there is an audience

Meeting my mother Bernice’s friends. Do I kiss them on the cheek or shake hands?

Cosmetics counters

Sauvignon blanc (the prononciation)

Construction workers. I don’t want them to notice me, but I also want them to notice me

Really emaciated girls sprinting on the treadmill

Clapping along to the music

Any celebrity interview conducted by Billy Bush

When I’m on a date and the check comes

Goodbye speeches in the conference room at work

Photo booths

Small parties

Big parties

Passed hors d’ oeuvres:
1) I have not mastered standing and eating
2) Fear of server judging me for taking another pig-in-a-blanket
3) There is that one popular tray that everyone clamors around, and it’s an awkward game of, “who is gonna go first?” Then, we all reach in at the same time and bump hands.

Audience participation

Karaoke

Responsive reading

Twitter!

Please forgive me

Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, begins at sunset. Here is what I am most sorry for this year:

Cancelled plans because I wanted to stay at home and eat with hands. Lied about reason for cancellation

Took up smoking electronic cigarettes (this one doesn’t really count because it was only for one week)

Photo of me when I learned that a bully from high school was back in town because his wife left him:

Me

Judged other girls’ outfits instead focusing on prayer at synagogue

Hit the CLOSE button in the elevator when I should have held it open

On 9/11, I complained about vending machine options. I also whined about my bumpy ponytail

Was walking with my friend Carol, when we noticed a girl who was crying quite loudly. “Should we ask her if she’s OK?” Carol wondered. “No,” I said. “Keep going.”

While cleaning out my storage locker, I unearthed an espresso maker that belonged to my ex-fiance’s late grandmother. I gave it back, but only because I was hoping it would buy me more time on his Netflix account.

Hung up on publicists who called to ask if I received their press release

Wasted money on the following
Liposonix for love handles
Drunk snacks
Dresses that look like dresses I already own
Cardigans that I already own
Convenience store umbrellas
Taxi rides home from failed Jdates where I ended up tipping the driver extra for listening to me cry
Stain removal pens that dry out because I never put the cap back on properly
Grapes because I was too lazy to wash them

Stopped liking a guy because he was too poor. He was also bad at sex but it was more the poor

Knocked over a display of necklaces at H&M and bolted

Deleted a Facebook friend because I was taking too much pleasure in her public meltdowns. Then I added her back because I missed reading them so much

Blocked someone I’d been emailing with on Jdate because he suggested we meet at a Starbucks

I read horrible stories on the Daily Mail homepage because it makes me feel better about my own life

Was relieved when a friend got dumped so we could be single together (this happened on more than one occasion)

I gossiped too much and was over-dramatic almost every single day

I carried on about this paper cut for at least a week

Wrote ‘CONGRATULATIONS! SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS!’ when my insides were screaming: “why not me!? When will it be my turn?”

Wasn’t honest with nutritionist about what I ate. Feigned shock over two pound weight gain. Allowed her to feel like she had failed me

Every time the phone rings and it’s my BFF Bienstock, I am terrified she is going to announce that she is engaged. She knows this about me and will leave a message saying: “You didn’t answer because you thought I was calling to tell you Chef Christopher proposed.”

Stole hair products & unopened mascara from Bienstock’s bathroom when I was visiting her in Los Angeles

Watched sad elephants paint pictures in Thailand. Also watched women shoot darts out of their vaginas on the same trip

Bienstock took this picture

Me on Twitter!

What I should really put in my Jdate “ABOUT ME” paragraph

About Me
Describe yourself and your personality – 50 character minimum

In July, I dropped a jar of vinegar on my foot. My toenail fell off, and now it’s displayed in a plastic bag on my refrigerator between a coupon for Bed Bath & Beyond and my goddaughter’s birth announcement

I returned goldfish to Petco because they were too much responsibility, but I swear I will be a good mom.

During our first couple of dates, I perform the part of ‘easygoing, fun chick.’

I LOVE taking pictures of myself when I cry

Talent: getting others to stop crying

On a typical Sunday night I am: 1) Staring at menus for three hours before I decide what I want 2) Googling word combinations like “rabbits wearing socks” 3) trying to do eye makeup like a Real Housewife of New Jersey 4) researching exes

Low point: when I considered going to a grief group to meet men

Low point: wiping out on the floor at Hooters

After a few glasses of wine, I start fishing for compliments

A little needy. In college, my boyfriend Rich, got me a rabbit for Valentine’s Day. “Maybe if you have a pet to play with, you won’t have to sleep over so much,” he said. His plan didn’t work. Archie the black bunny and I spent a lot of time at UMASS. My best friend Bienstock’s tribute to Archie

Archie!

Whenever I’m in any kind of home video, I picture it rolling at my funeral

I don’t like to make out in cabs because I feel bad for the driver

Total Internet stalker

Jealous of girls who:
can braid hair
look cute in shorts
get funny emails & texts from their dads
walk quickly in high heels

I’ve only sent one SEXY photo and it was of a single boob

Every day at around 11am, I fight a very powerful urge to order a tuna melt & French fries

I once broke up with someone because I couldn’t get past their duvet cover

Week after week, my therapist has to listen to me say stuff like, “I just feel like I was put on this earth to do something big!” and “I know I promised I wasn’t going to see him again, but…”

I was an original Catfisher!

I went to a psychologist when I was seven-years-old because I had an irrational fear of dying

Back in high school, I hit a police officer with my car on a snowy night. The next day, I had to go to the station to formally apologize. I totally repressed that memory. My friend brought it up a few years ago and I didn’t believe her. I had to call my mom and make sure. Confirmed.

Rauncho4@aol.com was my email until I went to college. I wish I could get it back

I actually like dating in New York City

Please follow me on Twitter!