Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, begins at sunset. Here is what I am most sorry for this year:
Cancelled plans because I wanted to stay at home and eat with hands. Lied about reason for cancellation
Took up smoking electronic cigarettes (this one doesn’t really count because it was only for one week)
Photo of me when I learned that a bully from high school was back in town because his wife left him:
Me
Judged other girls’ outfits instead focusing on prayer at synagogue
Hit the CLOSE button in the elevator when I should have held it open
On 9/11, I complained about vending machine options. I also whined about my bumpy ponytail
Was walking with my friend Carol, when we noticed a girl who was crying quite loudly. “Should we ask her if she’s OK?” Carol wondered. “No,” I said. “Keep going.”
While cleaning out my storage locker, I unearthed an espresso maker that belonged to my ex-fiance’s late grandmother. I gave it back, but only because I was hoping it would buy me more time on his Netflix account.
Hung up on publicists who called to ask if I received their press release
Wasted money on the following
Liposonix for love handles
Drunk snacks
Dresses that look like dresses I already own
Cardigans that I already own
Convenience store umbrellas
Taxi rides home from failed Jdates where I ended up tipping the driver extra for listening to me cry
Stain removal pens that dry out because I never put the cap back on properly
Grapes because I was too lazy to wash them
Stopped liking a guy because he was too poor. He was also bad at sex but it was more the poor
Knocked over a display of necklaces at H&M and bolted
Deleted a Facebook friend because I was taking too much pleasure in her public meltdowns. Then I added her back because I missed reading them so much
Blocked someone I’d been emailing with on Jdate because he suggested we meet at a Starbucks
I read horrible stories on the Daily Mail homepage because it makes me feel better about my own life
Was relieved when a friend got dumped so we could be single together (this happened on more than one occasion)
I gossiped too much and was over-dramatic almost every single day
I carried on about this paper cut for at least a week
Wrote ‘CONGRATULATIONS! SO HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS!’ when my insides were screaming: “why not me!? When will it be my turn?”
Wasn’t honest with nutritionist about what I ate. Feigned shock over two pound weight gain. Allowed her to feel like she had failed me
Every time the phone rings and it’s my BFF Bienstock, I am terrified she is going to announce that she is engaged. She knows this about me and will leave a message saying: “You didn’t answer because you thought I was calling to tell you Chef Christopher proposed.”
Stole hair products & unopened mascara from Bienstock’s bathroom when I was visiting her in Los Angeles
Watched sad elephants paint pictures in Thailand. Also watched women shoot darts out of their vaginas on the same trip
Bienstock took this picture
Rachel Paula 